Passing the time

How the time flies when you are having fun! Or something to that effect as my mom used to say.  The flight back to Dallas from Montreal was uneventful (thank goodness) and following a last minute impulse purchase of some presents for my niece and nephew I returned back to DFW in fine shape.  Sarah and Ryan graciously picked me up from Dallas and had also picked up my car from the repair shop (THANK YOU!). The weekend was then filled with play practice, performance (hilarious in its lack of adherance to the script), and a time of recharging the batteries.

I’m going to be in Dallas for the next three weeks so it will be exciting to re-familiarize myself with home again. Already great things have been happening as Ryan and Sarah helped to to set up my TV and DVD player so I can watch TV in comfort when I feel like it. I’ve been really tired the past couple of nights and have been hitting the hay early in hope that it will make the early morning wake-up call a little less painful. And I think it is working. The alarm went off at 6:15 this morning and I actually felt pretty good.  So the day is beginning well and the plan is to finish work by 5:30 and go directly to the park to walk while it is still fairly light. I need to have some activity in my day and this will also help me to unwind and get rid of the office blues before going home to see Sarah and Ryan.

So that is all for now….

Sometimes it is amusing and fun to go on a trip and then return to the comfort which is home. Othertimes it seems that no sooner do you walk out the door than you wish you could return home. This trip ended up being a combination of both. Some wonderful times were had during the weekends in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont and all along the New England seacoast but at the same time from the moment the shuttle dropped me off at the airport I wanted to go back to the hotel and start the day/trip over. Why? Quite simply put I began losing things at the very beginning of the trip at that hotel. Thus far (and I’m not home yet), the losses include: 1 pair of prescription sunglasses, 1 handfree headset for my Trio, 2 books and 1 tube of expensive lipstick. Where did they go? And why didn’t I go back for them? Well, distance to start with. It is a little difficult to hop on a plane and return to Dallas from Montreal when you just left Dallas – the company frowns on that sort of thing. Secondly – I didn’t even realize I had lost the handsfree headset or the lipstick until after I had returned the rental car and when I called them – of course no one had turned anything in.  The same is true for the prescription sunglasses which I lost while at the hotel (they are PRESCRIPTION SUNGLASSES – no one can see through them but me!) yet none of the maids at the hotel had turned them in (can’t say as though I’m surprised considering where I was staying). Concerning the books….I’m certain that they are sitting on someone elses bookshelf by now (hopefully having been thoroughly enjoyed) and that was my own stupidity for setting them down while whiling away some time in one of the many fun stores in Newport. 

So all in all, this has been a trip of loss. Some items had more value than others, and still others had great sentimental value due to the time when I had purchased them. But still I find it interesting how some trips everything that went out the door at the beginning of the trip makes it back home without incident and other trips the chaos begins the second you walk out the front door. 

Thankfully I don’t think anyone really knows about this blog yet so on the one hand I’m sad that my friends won’t be able to see what I am up to and yet it frees me to be rather liberal in what I write about. So today’s topic is body image.

Yes that is right. For all those out there going “oh no, not another one of those blogs” – all I can say is “its my blog and I’ll blog about what I want!”

Anyhow, I digress. I just meant to drop a quick post about how I have within the last 3  months come to the sobering realization that my body image has completely changed. I don’t know if it is the advent of those dreaded words “middle age” not that 32 really counts as middle aged, or some other factor but I feel as though I am inhabiting a body that isn’t my own. I no longer can say with confidence that it will “bounce back” after a Friday night of a couple of beers/drinks too many. I also can no longer say with confidence that after “that time of the month” my body will naturally fluctuate down to its normal size. As a matter of fact my body no longer does either of the above mentioned items at all. A few drinks too many and I feel like heck for the next few days, not few hours, and a return to normal weight after PMS/that time - is not happening anymore..the new weight has taken up residence and likes its new address.

I thought after experiencing my first cold while traveling during a recent extended business trip that my svelte figure was back (hourglass shaped as always), but nonetheless back and looking fine. BUT after two days into my residence for the next 7 days (a longer term stay while on the road), I quickly realized that my tummy, sides and back were back to their pre-sickness shape. When did this happen, why can’t I get rid of it either with starvation (which makes me really cranky come 7pm) or exercise (which just makes me want to cry after an hour on the treadmill and elliptical)? When did I become more round that hourglass and dare I say “chubby” vs. cute with an enviable bust-line and hips (reminiscent of pin-up girls of a bygone era)? I don’t know what happened. Nothing has really changed. And if anything I’m working out in a real gym more now than ever before when I was on the road full-time looking for a high school track to walk on in the evening and worrying about how safe the neighborhood was.  Its not that I’m eating more. If anything I’m eating less and healthier than ever before. Can a body have an adverse reaction to fruits, veggies and a balanced diet? Am I meant to live on cereal, cheese, crackers, fruit, fast food and ice cream? There was a time in the not to distant past where I ate everything and it didn’t seem to matter! Now if I even look at a cup of tea, an actual dinner, or heaven forbid dessert – my bum gets even bigger.

I don’t know how this happened and perhaps worse I don’t know if there is anything I can do to change it without starvation every day.  And yes I do mean actual starvation – This entire week has been nothing but water until 1pm, then a Starbucks Tzao Chi Tea and nothing else until 6:30pm at which time I had a sensible dinner (eating all my veggies) and no more than 1-2 glasses of red wine which have almost zero calories. And its not as though I’m hungry throughout the day. I’m not. And by dinner time I’m hungry but no growling stomach which would indicate “serious” hunger.

Is it true? Is this one of the things those who have turned 32 face? Not just a slow metabolism but NO metabolism.  Should I just accept that this is how things are going to be from here on out and buy new shirts and pants? Because nothing fits anymore. And working in close proximity to French people who NEVER gain an ounce is very disheartening. Hearing someone my age ask for a “0″ because the  “2″ and “4″ were too big makes me want to slit my wrists right then and there. Yet that is what I am dealing with on a daily basis. Granted for me sizes 2 and 4 were back in Jr. high but 6 and 8 were within the last year. Yet now….I dare not say where in the double digits this 5′2″ woman is falling. Lets just say I won’t be shopping with anyone else anytime soon…..this is just too humiliating.

I just wish I knew if it was permanent or not. If it was I would shop for a whole new wardrobe and say “heck with ya’ll” and have things that made me feel good and were comfortable for the duration.  But if this has something to do with stress, hormones or thyroid (heaven forbid) then why buy new clothes if it is just going to pass. But I’m so tired of tugging my shirt down so it covers more of my ever expanding bum, or worse yet of tugging it closed (for the millionth time) in front because once again the button holes are gaping in the bust area – which has always been a problem of being too generously blessed in that area. What to do, what to do…..I just want to feel happy about my body, yet how is that possible when still, “skinny is in” – for yet another year?